|Flowers in Kenya|
Last week was not the greatest week. I’ve been sick as a dog since last Saturday and I basically broke down on Tuesday morning and retreated into that dark place of Netflix binging and non-movement.
A common way people deal with anxiety or depression is avoidance and that has always been my backup-plan for everything. Tuesday was the perfect example of that. Not to get into too much detail, but I basically got super overwhelmed by things and had a bit of cry and but at the same time, in my head I was working out the best way to resolve the situation. And it was working I think. I had a plan to follow. Then I had a conversation with someone who just threw that whole plan out of whack, turned everything on its head and I basically started to doubt myself and everything I was doing, including why I was even in the fashion program. I have a bad habit of seeing the worst, especially when I try to look at the big picture, so I don’t do that too often. After that conversation, I was an absolute mess, in shambles and utterly confused. I was heavily debating whether or not I should stay in school or continue.
And in response to these conversations I really didn’t want to have with myself, I shut down. I didn’t go to any of my 7 hours of class or submit my assignments. Instead I lay in bed and watched 11 1/2 episodes of Jane the Virgin (a really good show btw) just so I would not have to deal with anything. I only left bed to eat or pee. And by eat I mean get food and bring it back to bed. By the 9th episode, my head hurt so much from staring at the screen but I just couldn’t turn it off until it hurt too much to continue.
By not submitting my work or attending my classes, I only made things worse for myself by getting farther behind and feeling more overwhelmed. I was in a horrible, don’t-even-look-at-me mood. It was bad.
But about a day and a half later, I was like, to myself, “You know what self? Yes. I will stay.” I’ve put so much damn effort into these courses already I might as well see at least this semester through. And it would just be a failure if I didn’t finish it. Some people feel like there is nothing wrong with failure, but I think there is if I haven’t even really tried yet.
I guess this is all to say that it hasn’t been a good week but next week will be better.